The Paradox of Desire :
In bullshit speak: A peculiar phenomenon prevalent in modernity where the burning wish for an action is coupled with the guilt and emptiness in completing a task. Looking in retrospect the fulfillment of a desire leaves one worse off than before, but one’s want blinds one’s rational faculties so that one repeatedly succumbs to one’s desires despite the adverse consequences that one suffers.
In English : Why do I feel so shit after binging on my 1 year supply of chocolate?
I have felt the paradox (and is still suffering from it) rather acutely recently in regard to me playing video games. Each game, with no exception, leaves me hollowed. But time after time I, like a goldfish, succumb to my desire only to end up defeated and lost. This one mistake is repeated, again and again, with no end in sight for me. For example, I will go on to League of Legends aiming to play only one game. But afterwards, upon the completion of one game, I do not feel gratified, so I pursue for more, only to end up with less. The reckless horse, upon the feeding of a carrot, demands only for more. I am filling up the proverbial bottomless pit, constantly searching for satisfaction but always missing the mark. Here, we have entered the realm of paradox, where more becomes less, and less becomes more.
Every time the paradox throws me off guard. For every game I play I only feel shittier. But every day the memory of that void of nihilism which accompanies my futile attempts to extinguish my desire is erased from my ego, and I start anew the vicious cycle. The paradox, I believe, arrises from the lost of control which characterizes each cycle of desire, where one’s desire (or, in Freudian terms, one’s complexes), displaces oneself, guides one into doing what one really do not wish to do. The paradox, I believe, arrises from the diminishing sense of meaning that comes with each of one’s attempts; in pursuing gratification, one has lost sight of what really matters to oneself. I do not want to suffer from the Paradox again, but, unfortunately, I surely will (I am certain) fall back tomorrow into the bottomless pit, again, no matter how adamant and resolute I am feeling right now.
But by naming the beast maybe I can tame it, can I? At least that’s my hope. I wish that, instead of racing aimlessly on the hedonic treadmill built by my complexes, I can pursue what is meaningful in my precious but short period of consciousness. After all, there is only this one ‘brief crack of light in between two eternities of darkness’, and I better not squander it – this is the onus that I willingly bear.